Category Archives: The Lost Art of Letters

The Lost Art of Letters

Dear God,

Customer Support

I am writing to complain about a small matter. Perhaps you have a saint or an angel handling your complaint department, but I could find no reference to any such person in your various publications. It seems as if you prefer questions and comments to be addressed directly to you. I applaud such direct methods in this age of poor and confusing customer support.

As a side note, I also performed an internet search to find your correct contact information fearing that what was in your books might be out of date (the most recent official printed material I could find was by the King James publisher from 1611). While I found many individuals and institutions offering to help me contact you, I noticed that you had no web presence of your own. Clearly you have run a successful organization for many years and likely resent unasked for advice. Nevertheless I’m sure you will have noticed a sharp decline in the value of some of your core properties since at least 1859 despite the success of some of your subsidiary enterprises.

Logos for Popular Subsidiaries

A website might function to open more productive lines of communication between you and many of your current and potential customers, enabling you to better understand and meet their needs. A website would also be a place for you to publish important updates, announce visits, and, of particular interest to me, offer easy to find contact information. In all humility I suggest that not everyone will be as persistent in his or her attempts to lodge such a small complaint as mine, but even small lapses in service can lead to widespread customer dissatisfaction in the long term.

Dramatization of Retribution

Such a lapse occurred for me on the morning of June 20th, 2011. As was my usual practice, I woke up next to my fianceé before getting out of bed to get ready for work. I have heard that our sleeping arrangements constitute a technical violation of certain prohibitions, but though I found implications, I could find no clear and specific language outlining those prohibitions in your book (a website with a search option would certainly clear up future misunderstandings of this nature). I mention this because perhaps what followed was  divine retribution, something for which you and your organization are justly famous.

I like to start my day with a healthy bowl of cereal and today was certainly no exception. My milk was well within the specified sell by date, and the previous day the milk had been delicious, offering no indication of imminent spoilage. Today, however, this is what I found in my bowl (note: this is a recreation in a clear container to highlight the spoiled milk):

Curdled Milk (Recreation of Actual Curdling)

Running the universe, especially in today’s competitive environment, must be a difficult task. In the face of such large-scale service outages like the Arizona wildfires, or tensions in your Middle East Headquarters, spoiled milk must seem insignificant. My concern is that the milk indicates a larger administrative problem within your organization.

If my complaint is not addressed in a timely fashion, I will unfortunately be forced to seek an alternate service provider or perhaps cancel my subscription to all such services. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Imaginary Robot


Dear Imaginary Readers,

Welcome to my brand new blog. None of you exist yet, but I’m hoping that some day you’ll be out there anxiously waiting for new content – maybe even cursing me roundly if I go silent for a day or two. For now I have yet to create the things that will bring you here, curses and all. But I have the faintest glimmerings of the beginning of an idea of what this place will be like eventually, which is always a good place to start.

I’m not an artist or a writer. I’m not a social commentator or a political analyst. I’m just a person who lives in a room with his fiancée in New York City. As she would tell you, I have a lot of ideas and plans. What I don’t have is a lot of finished products. That’s where this blog comes in.

This is a place where I can direct my creative energies and share the often strange and sometimes interesting things that run through my mind. If you’re looking for a strict, consistent theme, then I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. I am giving you – a soon-to-be non-imaginary person – fair warning to expect randomness. After all I think we’re too bound by the expectation of consistency. Why can’t we be storytellers one day, illustrators the next, and deep thinkers the day after that? What terrible fate would befall us?

I hope you’ll join me as I indulge in the serious and the silly. I don’t propose to change the world with Imaginary Robot, just provide a small break from it.

For those of you who like anticipation, here are a few of the regular and semi-regular features to which you can look forward:

The Regulars:

The Lost Art of Letters – written to people real and imagined, but never sent.

Secret Histories – in which I bring you mysterious, forgotten, and rarely true historical accounts every Wednesday.

Weekend Matinee – a Friday movie review so you don’t end up wasting money without knowing you’re going to do so beforehand.

The Semi-Regulars:

Opinionated – essays about issues I find worth opining over.

Flashed – super short stories

Unpeeled – a peek into what I’m doing in my everyday life off of the internet

The World of Tomorrow Today – in which I use my amazing powers to peer into the future

Still Life with Robot – Updates on my ongoing project of learning to draw

I hope this whets your appetite because like it or not, more is coming. See you back here soon.