The Lost Art of Letters

Dear God,

Customer Support

I am writing to complain about a small matter. Perhaps you have a saint or an angel handling your complaint department, but I could find no reference to any such person in your various publications. It seems as if you prefer questions and comments to be addressed directly to you. I applaud such direct methods in this age of poor and confusing customer support.

As a side note, I also performed an internet search to find your correct contact information fearing that what was in your books might be out of date (the most recent official printed material I could find was by the King James publisher from 1611). While I found many individuals and institutions offering to help me contact you, I noticed that you had no web presence of your own. Clearly you have run a successful organization for many years and likely resent unasked for advice. Nevertheless I’m sure you will have noticed a sharp decline in the value of some of your core properties since at least 1859 despite the success of some of your subsidiary enterprises.

Logos for Popular Subsidiaries

A website might function to open more productive lines of communication between you and many of your current and potential customers, enabling you to better understand and meet their needs. A website would also be a place for you to publish important updates, announce visits, and, of particular interest to me, offer easy to find contact information. In all humility I suggest that not everyone will be as persistent in his or her attempts to lodge such a small complaint as mine, but even small lapses in service can lead to widespread customer dissatisfaction in the long term.

Dramatization of Retribution

Such a lapse occurred for me on the morning of June 20th, 2011. As was my usual practice, I woke up next to my fianceé before getting out of bed to get ready for work. I have heard that our sleeping arrangements constitute a technical violation of certain prohibitions, but though I found implications, I could find no clear and specific language outlining those prohibitions in your book (a website with a search option would certainly clear up future misunderstandings of this nature). I mention this because perhaps what followed was  divine retribution, something for which you and your organization are justly famous.

I like to start my day with a healthy bowl of cereal and today was certainly no exception. My milk was well within the specified sell by date, and the previous day the milk had been delicious, offering no indication of imminent spoilage. Today, however, this is what I found in my bowl (note: this is a recreation in a clear container to highlight the spoiled milk):

Curdled Milk (Recreation of Actual Curdling)

Running the universe, especially in today’s competitive environment, must be a difficult task. In the face of such large-scale service outages like the Arizona wildfires, or tensions in your Middle East Headquarters, spoiled milk must seem insignificant. My concern is that the milk indicates a larger administrative problem within your organization.

If my complaint is not addressed in a timely fashion, I will unfortunately be forced to seek an alternate service provider or perhaps cancel my subscription to all such services. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Imaginary Robot


5 responses to “The Lost Art of Letters

  1. You know, I.R., you may be petitioning the wrong party. This may be the work of a hacker (DDoS).

    • So what you’re saying is that maybe I should send my complaint letter in the other direction? Though wouldn’t hackers use a virus…I’m pretty sure my milk spoilage is caused by a bacteria. An intriguing idea, but I’m not entirely sold.

      • Perhaps you’re right. On another note, this might also be part of the restructuring promised us back in May. You know corporations work on their own schedules apart from the expectations of their workforce and if Liebniz or Spinoza can be believed, we’re all part of the same conglomeration. In any budget shake-up (what else can it be, these are tough times) the company-provided breakfast is always the first to go. Sounds like early work of two over-eager executives, Pestilence and Famine.

  2. I would like to know if you get a response and, if so, what that response is. Will you be posting it? I’m sure that God will have something to say about such an important issue as this.

    • I will absolutely post any replies I get from God, gods, or any semi-deity type creatures. It may be a while, though. You know how long it takes for large corporations to reply.

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